Royal clickbait is driving me crazy

Happy Wednesday! Halfway through the work week, thank goodness. I spilled a hot cup of Starbucks on myself this morning in my car and screamed as if I’d been shot. It’s fine.

Because of my interest in the British royal family, I follow a lot of social media accounts that create content about the royals. This is just part of the (non-paying, I can’t stress that enough) job. I like to know what’s going on so I can provide commentary on it here, for you.

But there is one thing that drives me bonkers banana pancakes: clickbait headlines about the royals that don’t say anything/tell us one tiny thing that we already could have assumed about the royals. Because there’s something wrong with my brain where I’m obsessed with having the most knowledge about the royals as I can, I can tell as soon as I read the caption what the story will be about, and I know before clicking that it’s a non-story/was blown up into something it’s not/it’s based on faulty assumptions. Want some examples? Here are some examples of inane, pointless clickbait from Kate’s unveiling of her 5 Big Questions survey results last week:

Headline:

Kate Middleton’s Favorite Emojis Include a Cucumber and a Swearing Face: The royal accidentally revealed her most-used icons while thanking those who’d sent in questions for a recent video (Vanity Fair)

Kate Middleton’s favourite emojis! Duchess accidentally revealed the symbols used on her Twitter account when she flashed her phone to the camera during Early Years video (Daily Mail)

The truth:

The cell phone that Kate used to do her Early Years Q&A video did show those emojis as “most frequently used” – but there’s a 99% probability that it wasn’t her phone.

Kate and her team are smart. Why on EARTH would they let her bring out her own cell phone for a video Q&A that they know is going to be broadcast around the world to millions of people? The answer is that they wouldn’t.

Kate is going to be Queen in a few decades. It would be a national security threat to tell people to show Kate’s actual cell phone. Even the information that Kate has an iPhone as opposed to an Android could be dangerous in the wrong hands. We have no idea what kind of cell phone Kate has. This is very, very likely a cell phone owned by the Kensington Palace press office. There is no story here. Next.

Headline:

Kate Middleton Keeps Wearing This Purple Gucci Blouse Backwards: Kate Middleton proved once again she’s the queen of recycled fashion. For her latest outfit, she re-wore her famous Gucci top, giving it her own personal spin. (E Online)

It Looks Like Kate Middleton Just Wore Her Blouse Backward (Glamour)

The truth:

You can wear the blouse with the button side or the bow side to the front. AND Gucci styled it the way Kate wore it in their promo pictures.

I know it’s fun to be like, “HAHA a future queen doesn’t know how to wear a top!!!!!” and I’m sure it will get you a lot of clicks, but it’s not the truth. I used to have a top like this. I would wear it with the bow in the back when I wanted to be business-y and with the bow in the front when I wanted to be more fun. Y’all need to chill.

Headline: The Duchess of Cambridge reveals her fondest childhood memory (Harper’s Bazaar)

The truth: Kate said that she enjoyed going outdoors when she was a kid.

That’s it. Just that she liked being outside. It’s not her fondest childhood memory. It’s not super personal to her – most kids went outside as kids at least once, lol. But get those clicks, Harper’s!!!!!

This is just from one video Q&A with Kate last week!!!!!! If I see another inane headline about Harry and Meghan’s “SpEcIaL, PeRsOnAl ThAnKsGiViNg ToUcH” (they’re cooking vegetables from their garden, chill) or how “PrInCe GeOrGe’S PaLaTe Is So GrOwN Up” (he ate spaghetti carbonara once) I might lose my mind.

If you have any questions about whether a headline is rooted in truth or just a normal piece of information with a bunch of adjectives and heart emojis around it, let me know! I’m very good at deciphering that “KATE AND WILL ARE SUCH AMAZING PARENTS OMG PARENTING GOALS HEART EMOJI #LIT #GOALS #ZOMG #MOMANDDAD ” means “They drove their kids to school, it’s fine, please calm down.”

Here is a headline about my sisters being normal functioning moms and members of society, but done as if they were royals about whom people need to get page views:

SWEET TREAT MOMENT: THESE SISTERS SHARE A TRADITIONAL FAMILY DESSERT WITH THEIR CHILDREN DURING ANNUAL CELEBRATION

Translation: Their kids ate birthday cake at a birthday party.

Thanks for reading. I would LOVE if you sent me your insane royal clickbait versions of your own regular life.

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